Begin by Showing Kindness to Yourself, The Art of Self-Compassion in a Demanding World
So often in our roles as parents, children, siblings, cousins, employees, colleagues or friends, we tend to beat ourselves up when things go awry. We ask, where did we go wrong? Blaming self or others can be a very draining exercise—it’s a messy, messy, messy process.
It’s easy to point fingers at yourself and your confidence takes a knock. Which is why we are advised by sages to first show kindness to self. This is not self-indulgence; it is self-preservation. It is the foundation upon which all other virtues are built.
The Meaning of Self-Compassion
Looking after and cultivating self-compassion, care, and even forgiveness for ourselves—especially in moments when we’ve fallen short or caused harm—does not mean we stop aspiring to be of benefit to others. It is not a choice between self-care and caring for others; it is a recognition that the latter is impossible without the former.
Beth Wallace, associate publisher of Lion’s Roar, the Buddhist portal and magazine, puts it beautifully: “I like to think of self-compassion as something that wraps around that important aspiration. It means to truly show up for others when it’s hard, when it hurts, and when it takes bravery. We have to be able to start from a place of radical acceptance. Learning to work with whatever is arising in the present moment includes the hard parts, ugly parts, and even things that we are ashamed or embarrassed by cultivating the bravery to be with what is unfolding exactly as it is, right here, right now.”
This is not passive resignation. It is active engagement with reality, including the parts of reality we would rather avoid. Radical acceptance means facing the hard parts, the ugly parts, the shameful parts, and saying: this too is here, this too is part of my experience, this too deserves my attention.
Self-Love as Foundation
Meta, loving kindness, advocated by sages, includes self-love. If you start from a space of self-loathing, there is no way you can love others or receive love. The well must be filled before it can overflow.
Regardless of who you are or what you do, it is a given that everyone wants to lead a happy life. This happiness can come within reach only if you first practise self-love. The very purpose of our life is to be happy, points out the Dalai Lama. For this, one needs to keep the flame of hope alive while also showing respect and love for self.
This is not selfishness. It is sanity. A person who cannot love themselves cannot sustain love for others. A person who cannot forgive themselves cannot truly forgive others. A person who cannot be kind to themselves will find kindness to others a constant struggle.
A Practical Affirmation
Educational psychologist at the University of Texas, Kristin Neff, recommends the following affirmation to give yourself the compassion you need:
This is a moment of suffering
Suffering is a part of life.
May I be kind to myself in this moment.
May I give myself the compassion I need.
Notice the structure. First, acknowledge the suffering—name it, claim it. Second, place it in context—suffering is universal, not unique to you. Third, direct kindness inward—not as a reward, but as a response. Fourth, act—give yourself what you need.
This is not magic; it is practice. The more you do it, the more natural it becomes.
The Role of Practice
Any kind of resolve for improvement needs dedicated daily practice. As the saying goes, practice makes perfect. Whether one is resolving to become fit, to eat right, to read more, to get de-addicted from e-devices or tobacco, or even to love oneself more, all of these need practice. Just intention will not do the job although for starters, intention is vital.
To wake up feeling grateful and happy also comes with practice and willingness to acknowledge the good despite the bad. The mind naturally gravitates toward the negative—it is a survival mechanism. Gratitude is a counterweight, a conscious choice to notice what is working, what is good, what is present.
Letting Go of Others’ Opinions
We are inclined to agonise over what others may think of us, how we are being perceived, and in the process we forget to be who we are, to accept our own self with all positive and negative aspects and work on self-improvement rather than get bogged down by self-doubt.
The paradox is that worrying about others’ opinions makes us less capable of genuine connection. When we are constantly monitoring how we are being perceived, we cannot be fully present. When we are performing for an audience, we cannot be authentic.
The Most Important Relationship
It is said that the most powerful and enabling relationship you can have is the one you have with your own self. This relationship sets the template for all others. If it is based on criticism and self-doubt, those patterns will repeat in every connection. If it is based on kindness and acceptance, those qualities will radiate outward.
Kindness to self is the starting point. From there, everything else flows.
Q&A: Unpacking Self-Compassion
Q1: Why is self-compassion important, especially when things go wrong?
When things go awry, we tend to beat ourselves up, blame ourselves or others, and drain our confidence. Self-compassion provides a foundation for resilience. It allows us to acknowledge mistakes without being defined by them, to learn without self-flagellation, and to move forward without carrying the weight of shame.
Q2: Does self-compassion mean giving up on self-improvement?
No. Self-compassion and self-improvement are not opposites. As Beth Wallace explains, self-compassion “wraps around” the aspiration to be better. It provides the safety and support needed to honestly confront our flaws and work on them. Without self-compassion, self-improvement becomes a punitive exercise doomed to fail.
Q3: What is “radical acceptance”?
Radical acceptance means learning to work with whatever is arising in the present moment—including the hard parts, ugly parts, and things we are ashamed or embarrassed by. It is not passive resignation but active engagement with reality as it is, without denial or avoidance. It is the foundation for genuine change.
4: How can one practice self-compassion daily?
Kristin Neff offers a simple affirmation: acknowledge the moment of suffering, recognise that suffering is universal, direct kindness inward, and give yourself the compassion you need. Like any skill, self-compassion requires daily practice. Intention alone is not enough; consistent practice builds the capacity.
Q5: Why is the relationship with oneself the most important relationship?
This relationship sets the template for all others. If it is based on criticism and self-doubt, those patterns repeat in every connection. If it is based on kindness and acceptance, those qualities radiate outward. You cannot sustainably love others if you cannot love yourself. Kindness to self is the starting point.
